How To Suck At Your Pitch.

ben-hershey-487486-unsplash.jpgMy mom used reverse psychology on me when I was a little boy. Don’t eat those vegetables, they taste horrible! What would lil’ Victor do then? Eat them greens happily as an act of rebellion. Suddenly, she got me doing the things I was supposed to do in the first place.

I actually think she still does it.

Well, this post is kind of the same. After seeing a lot of “not so great” pitches over time, I think I’m just going to apply reverse psychology and do what I call an ‘anti-tutorial’.

It starts now.

Here are 8 steps to nail your investors pitch:

Step 1: The Uber of

  • Always refer to yourself as “the Uber/TripAdvisor/Yelp” (pick your preferred one) of your industry. Don’t mind your lack of creativity and communication skills to explain your idea, and sounding like everyone else; what matters is that you will simplify your project and everybody will know what you’re talking about.

Step 2: TAM

  • Talk about a huge market you’re trying to tackle and be as vague as possible. Target only 1% of that market to look humble and conservative in your projections, yet profitable enough to look attractive.
  • i.e.: My last-mile delivery app for vegetarians has a huge market. There are 1.5 billion vegetarians around the world. I’m trying to get only 1% of that market next year, that’s about 15 million people! Ain’t that great?

Step 3: Buzzwords

  • This one is key, people! When describing your product, always use fancy tech words, such as; blockchain, AI, VR, IoT, last-mile, data science, you name it! You’ll sound intelligent and tech-savvy.

Step 4: Ambiguous Pie Charts

  • When asked about why you are raising the money don’t forget to project a slide with a colorful pie chart that says nothing. Before your pitch, use your iPhone calculator to more-or-less get a percentage of the proceeds you’re going to allocate to things such as “marketing” or “operations”.
  • Bonus point: Always check the sum of all percentages equals 100%, otherwise just add the remaining percentage somewhere.

Step 5: Avoid Questions

  • If they ask you specific questions, you can always talk for a long time or bring past-anecdotes that have nothing to do with the question. This will confuse the questioner and they will feel ashamed of asking again, afraid of looking silly for not catching the answer behind the analogy.

Step 6: Over-the-top valuations

  • If you happen to do perform some valuation methods, always double the result or multiply times 1.5x. That way you will have margins to negotiate down and you will look more valuable to investors.

Step 7: Closing Round

  • Create demand by saying that your funding round closes this week and next week your valuation will triple.
  • Say there’s another investor interested in leading the round, but never disclose who, just say they’re “a big deal”.

Step 8: Don’t know who you’re talking to

  • Create an aura of importance and mystery by acting as if you don’t know who the investors you’re pitching to are.
  • Even better, do not research them at all, this way it will look as if you’re truly clueless (which you are in fact).

Congrats, you just managed to screw up your pitch! You’ll probably never get funded. Never. Ever again.

But hey, remember this is reverse psychology. Please don’t suck.

xoxo

– VC.

 

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